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Seriously…I’m Kidding

I’ve experienced a whole lot the last few years and I have a lot to share. So I hope that you’ll take a moment to sit back, relax and enjoy the words I’ve put together for you in this book. I think you’ll find I’ve left no stone unturned, no door unopened, no window unbroken, no rug unvacuumed, no ivories untickled. What I’m saying is, let us begin, shall we?
**

The Sentry

In *The Watchman* and *The First Rule*, Robert Crais put Joe Pike front and center for the first time, to remarkable effect: “A beautifully crafted piece of story-telling” (*The Seattle Times*); “A high-octane thriller…Pike’s unshakable belief in right and wrong provides a moral center” (*South Florida Sun-Sentinel*); “Joe Pike is a joy to watch, an urban Zen warrior priest righting wrongs. More Pike, please” (*Chicago Sun-Times*).
But when Joe Pike does return, it is to a case that will rock him to his core.
Five years ago, Dru Rayne and her uncle fled from Louisiana to Los Angeles after Hurricane Katrina hit, but now they face a different kind of danger. A neighborhood protection gang savagely beats Dru’s uncle, but Pike witnesses it and offers his own brand of protection. Oddly enough, neither of them seems to want it—and neither do the federal agents mysteriously watching their storefront, men who appear quite willing to let the gang have its way.
None of that deters Pike—there’s something about Dru that touches him and he won’t back away, whether she wants his help or not—but as the level of violence escalates, and Pike himself becomes a target, he and Elvis Cole begin to discover some things. Dru and her uncle are not who they seem, and everything Pike thought he knew about them, their relationship to the gang, and the reasons they fled New Orleans—it’s all been lies. A vengeful and murderous force is catching up to them…and it’s perfectly happy to sweep Pike and Cole up in its wake.
**

Sentimental Education

SUMMARY: General Books publication date: 2009 Original publication date: 1904 Notes: This is an OCR reprint of the original rare book. There may be typos or missing text and there are no illustrations. When you buy the General Books edition of this book you get free trial access to Million-Books.com where you can select from more than a million books for free. You can also preview the book there.

Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters

EDITORIAL REVIEW: From the publisher of *Pride and Prejudice and Zombies* comes a new tale of romance, heartbreak, and tentacled mayhem. *Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters* expands the original text of the beloved Jane Austen novel with all-new scenes of giant lobsters, rampaging octopi, two-headed sea serpents, and other biological monstrosities. As our story opens, the Dashwood sisters are evicted from their childhood home and sent to live on a mysterious island full of savage creatures and dark secrets. While sensible Elinor falls in love with Edward Ferrars, her romantic sister Marianne is courted by both the handsome Willoughby and the hideous man-monster Colonel Brandon. Can the Dashwood sisters triumph over meddlesome matriarchs and unscrupulous rogues to find true love? Or will they fall prey to the tentacles that are forever snapping at their heels? This masterful portrait of Regency England blends Jane Austen’s biting social commentary with ultraviolent depictions of sea monsters biting. It’s survival of the fittest—and only the swiftest swimmers will find true love! Wallpaper Illustrations from *Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters* (*Right-click on the image and select “Set As Desktop Background”*)

Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters

EDITORIAL REVIEW: From the publisher of *Pride and Prejudice and Zombies* comes a new tale of romance, heartbreak, and tentacled mayhem. *Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters* expands the original text of the beloved Jane Austen novel with all-new scenes of giant lobsters, rampaging octopi, two-headed sea serpents, and other biological monstrosities. As our story opens, the Dashwood sisters are evicted from their childhood home and sent to live on a mysterious island full of savage creatures and dark secrets. While sensible Elinor falls in love with Edward Ferrars, her romantic sister Marianne is courted by both the handsome Willoughby and the hideous man-monster Colonel Brandon. Can the Dashwood sisters triumph over meddlesome matriarchs and unscrupulous rogues to find true love? Or will they fall prey to the tentacles that are forever snapping at their heels? This masterful portrait of Regency England blends Jane Austen’s biting social commentary with ultraviolent depictions of sea monsters biting. It’s survival of the fittest—and only the swiftest swimmers will find true love! Wallpaper Illustrations from *Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters* (*Right-click on the image and select “Set As Desktop Background”*)

Self’s punishment

From Publishers Weekly

The successful film adaptation of Schlink’s The Reader should give a boost to his third mystery to feature aging German PI Gerhard Self (after 2007’s Self’s Deception). On his way home to Mannheim during a snow storm, Schlink helps a stranded driver, Bertram Welker, who on learning Self’s profession offers him a job. A partner in the region’s oldest private bank, Welker is writing its history and asks Self to identify a silent partner in the bank. What appears to be a straightforward assignment becomes a double murder inquiry once Self comes to doubt Welker’s account of how his wife perished in a hiking accident the year before and the bank’s unofficial archivist dies in a suspicious car crash after handing Self a briefcase full of money. Crisp prose and some well-handled plot complications, which include the emergence of a man claiming to be Self’s son, will keep readers turning the pages. (Aug.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

From

Starred Review This stellar series debut presents former Nazi prosecutor turned private investigator Gerhard Self in an unsettlingly matter-of-fact style. Instead of the brooding and tortured soul readers might expect–or even demand–Gerd (as his many friends call him) comes across as wry and likable as he hustles up cases, flirts with attractive women of all ages, and worries about slipping into old age with only his cat for company. It’s the early 1980s, and Self has been hired by a boyhood friend to smoke out a hacker who’s playing havoc with the computers at Rhineland Chemical Works. But after Self springs a trap that gets the troublemaker murdered, he gradually faces the guilt he still carries for his youthful embrace of National Socialism. His simple refusal to let himself off the hook and step back into his old public prosecutor’s role after the war doesn’t seem like penance enough anymore. “I had planned to live at peace with my past,” he muses. “Guilt, atonement, enthusiasm and blindness, pride and anger, morality and resignation–I’d brought it all together in an elaborate balance. The past had achieved abstraction.” But Self’s unwitting participation in the new crime drives him to pursue the path of justice wherever it may lead. A fascinating exploration of how people often manage to carve out normal lives even after being complicit in terrible acts. Frank Sennett
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

Self’s punishment

From Publishers Weekly

The successful film adaptation of Schlink’s The Reader should give a boost to his third mystery to feature aging German PI Gerhard Self (after 2007’s Self’s Deception). On his way home to Mannheim during a snow storm, Schlink helps a stranded driver, Bertram Welker, who on learning Self’s profession offers him a job. A partner in the region’s oldest private bank, Welker is writing its history and asks Self to identify a silent partner in the bank. What appears to be a straightforward assignment becomes a double murder inquiry once Self comes to doubt Welker’s account of how his wife perished in a hiking accident the year before and the bank’s unofficial archivist dies in a suspicious car crash after handing Self a briefcase full of money. Crisp prose and some well-handled plot complications, which include the emergence of a man claiming to be Self’s son, will keep readers turning the pages. (Aug.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

From

Starred Review This stellar series debut presents former Nazi prosecutor turned private investigator Gerhard Self in an unsettlingly matter-of-fact style. Instead of the brooding and tortured soul readers might expect–or even demand–Gerd (as his many friends call him) comes across as wry and likable as he hustles up cases, flirts with attractive women of all ages, and worries about slipping into old age with only his cat for company. It’s the early 1980s, and Self has been hired by a boyhood friend to smoke out a hacker who’s playing havoc with the computers at Rhineland Chemical Works. But after Self springs a trap that gets the troublemaker murdered, he gradually faces the guilt he still carries for his youthful embrace of National Socialism. His simple refusal to let himself off the hook and step back into his old public prosecutor’s role after the war doesn’t seem like penance enough anymore. “I had planned to live at peace with my past,” he muses. “Guilt, atonement, enthusiasm and blindness, pride and anger, morality and resignation–I’d brought it all together in an elaborate balance. The past had achieved abstraction.” But Self’s unwitting participation in the new crime drives him to pursue the path of justice wherever it may lead. A fascinating exploration of how people often manage to carve out normal lives even after being complicit in terrible acts. Frank Sennett
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

Self’s deception

From Publishers Weekly

In German author Schlink’s meandering second crime novel available in English to feature aging PI Gerhard Self (after Self’sPunishment), a man named Salger hires Self to locate his missing daughter, Leonore. With little help from the father, Self tracks the missing girl to an insane asylum outside Heidelberg, where he’s informed by a doctor that Leo has recently died there in an accident. Self quickly learns, among other details, that the death report is untrue, Leo’s father is not really her father and that the case is connected to a top-secret government investigation. Self can be completely off the wall one minute—he lies outrageously to anyone who might have information and breaks-and-enters without compunction—and the next he’s as comfortable as an old shoe, having a glass of Riesling and hanging out with his cat, Turbo. The eccentric detective is the big draw, with the less than action-packed investigation coming in a distant second. (June)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Review

“A sophisticated, chilling and superbly written thriller.”
—Michael Dibdin, author of Back to Bologna

“A delightfully unique protagonist, a marvelous complex mystery.”
—Mike Lawson, bestselling author of The Second Perimeter

“Immensely pleasurable and deeply intriguing. Schlink has crafted a novel rich with the comforts of insight and humanity.”
—Dan Fesperman, author of The Prisoner of Guantá_namo _

“From this highly gifted writer another delightfully winding crime story, told with bleak and bitter irony.”
—Håkan Nesser, author of The Return

Selected Stories of Philip K. Dick

SUMMARY: Philip K. Dick was a master of science fiction, but he was also a writer whose work transcended genre to examine the nature of reality and what it means to be human. A writer of great complexity and subtle humor, his work belongs on the shelf of great twentieth-century literature, next to Kafka and Vonnegut. Collected here are twenty-one of Dick’s most dazzling and resonant stories, which span his entire career and show a world-class writer working at the peak of his powers. In “The Days of Perky Pat,” people spend their time playing with dolls who manage to live an idyllic life no longer available to the Earth’s real inhabitants. “Adjustment Team” looks at the fate of a man who by mistake has stepped out of his own time. In “Autofac,” one community must battle benign machines to take back control of their lives. And in “I Hope I Shall Arrive Soon,” we follow the story of one man whose very reality may be nothing more than a nightmare. The collection also includes such classic stories as “The Minority Report,” the basis for the Steven Spielberg movie, and “We Can Remember It for You Wholesale,” the basis for the film Total Recall. Selected Stories of Philip K. Dick is a magnificent distillation of one of American literature’s most searching imaginations. “From the Hardcover edition.”

Selected Stories of Anton Chekov

SUMMARY: The Death of a ClerkOne fine evening the no less fine office manager Ivan Dmitrich Cherviakov1 was sitting in the second row of the stalls, watching The Bells of Corneville2 through opera glasses. He watched and felt himself at the height of bliss. But suddenly . . . This “but suddenly” occurs often in stories. The authors are right: life is so full of the unexpected! But suddenly his face wrinkled, his eyes rolled, his breath stopped . . . he put down the opera glasses, bent forward, and . . . ah-choo!!! As you see, he sneezed. Sneezing is not prohibited to anyone anywhere. Peasants sneeze, police chiefs sneeze, sometimes even privy councillors sneeze. Everybody sneezes. Cherviakov, not embarrassed in the least, wiped his nose with his handkerchief and, being a polite man, looked around to see whether his sneezing had disturbed anyone. And now he did become embarrassed. He saw that the little old man sitting in front of him in the first row of the stalls was carefully wiping his bald head and neck with his glove and muttering something. Cherviakov recognized the little old man as General Brizzhalov,3 who served in the Department of Transportation.”I sprayed him!” thought Cherviakov. “He’s not my superior, he serves elsewhere, but still it’s awkward. I must apologize.”Cherviakov coughed, leaned forward, and whispered in the general’s ear:”Excuse me, Yr’xcellency, I sprayed you . . . I accidentally . . .””Never mind, never mind . . .””For God’s sake, excuse me. I . . . I didn’t mean it!””Ah, do sit down, please! Let me listen!”Cherviakov became embarrassed, smiled stupidly, and began looking at the stage. He looked, but felt no more bliss. Anxiety began to torment him. In the intermission he went up to Brizzhalov, walked around him, and, overcoming his timidity, murmured:”I sprayed you, Yr’xcellency . . . Forgive me . . . I . . . it’s not that I . . .””Ah, come now . . . I’ve already forgotten, and you keep at it!” said the general, impatiently twitching his lower lip.”Forgotten, but there’s malice in his eyes,” thought Cherviakov, glancing suspiciously at the general. “He doesn’t even want to talk. I must explain to him that I really didn’t mean it . . . that it’s a law of nature, otherwise he’ll think I wanted to spit. If he doesn’t think so now, he will later! . . .”On returning home, Cherviakov told his wife about his rudeness. His wife, it seemed to him, treated the incident much too lightly. She merely got frightened, but then, on learning that Brizzhalov served “elsewhere,” she calmed down.”But all the same you should go and apologize,” she said. “He might think you don’t know how to behave in public!””That’s just it! I apologized, but he was somehow strange . . . Didn’t say a single sensible word. And then there was no time to talk.”The next day Cherviakov put on a new uniform, had his hair cut, and went to Brizzhalov to explain . . . Going into the general’s reception room, he saw many petitioners there, and among them was the general himself, who had already begun to receive petitions. Having questioned several petitioners, the general raised his eyes to Cherviakov.”Yesterday, in the Arcadia, if you recall, Yr’xcellency,” the office manager began, “I sneezed, sir, and . . . accidentally sprayed you . . . Forg . . .””Such trifles . . . God knows! Can I be of help to you?” the general addressed the next petitioner.”He doesn’t want to talk!” thought Cherviakov, turning pale. “That means he’s angry . . . No, it can’t be left like this . . . I’ll explain to him . . .”When the general finished his discussion with the last petitioner and headed for the inner rooms, Cherviakov followed him and murmured:”Yr’xcellency! If I venture to trouble Yr’xcellency, it’s precisely, I might say, from a feeling of repentance! . . . It wasn’t on purpose, you know that yourself, sir!”The general made a tearful face and waved his hand.”You must be joking, my dear sir!” he said, disappearing behind the door.”What kind of joke is it?” thought Cherviakov. “This is no kind of joke at all! A general, yet he can’t understand! If that’s the way it is, I won’t apologize to the swaggerer any more! Devil take him! I’ll write him a letter, but I won’t come myself! By God, I won’t!”So Cherviakov thought, walking home. He wrote no letter to the general. He thought and thought, and simply could not think up that letter. So the next day he had to go himself and explain.”I came yesterday to trouble Yr’xcellency,” he began to murmur, when the general raised his questioning eyes to him, “not for a joke, as you were pleased to say. I was apologizing for having sneezed and sprayed you, sir . . . and I never even thought of joking. Would I dare joke with you? If we start joking, soon there won’t be any respect for persons . . . left . . .””Get out!!” barked the general, suddenly turning blue and shaking.”What, sir?” Cherviakov asked in a whisper, sinking with terror.”Get out!!” the general repeated, stamping his feet.Something in Cherviakov’s stomach snapped. Seeing nothing, hearing nothing, he backed his way to the door, went out, and plodded off . . . Reaching home mechanically, without taking off his uniform, he lay down on the sofa and . . . died.July 18831. The name Cherviakov comes from the Russian word cherviak (“worm”).2. A popular operetta by French composer Robert Planquette (1843-1903).3. The name Brizzhalov suggests a combination of bryzgat (“to spray”) and briuzzhat (“to grumble”).From the Trade Paperback edition.

Seize the Night

SUMMARY: There are no rules in the dark, no place to feel safe, no escape from the shadows. But to save the day, you must…Seize the Night. At no time does Moonlight Bay look more beautiful than at night. Yet it is precisely then that the secluded little town reveals its menace. Now children are disappearing. From their homes. From the streets. And there’s nothing their families can do about it. Because in Moonlight Bay, the police work their hardest to conceal crimes and silence victims. No matter what happens in the night, their job is to ensure that nothing disturbs the peace and quiet of Moonlight Bay…. Christopher Snow isn’t afraid of the dark. Forced to live in the shadows because of a rare genetic disorder, he knows the night world better than anyone. He believes the lost children are still alive and that their disappearance is connected to the town’s most carefully kept, most ominous secret—a secret only he can uncover, a secret that will force him to confront an adversary at one with the most dangerous darkness of all. The darkness inside the human heart.

The Seeker

When an unseen enemy threatens mankind by taking over their bodies and erasing their memories, Melanie Stryder will risk everything to protect the people she cares most about — Jared, Ian, her brother Jamie and her Uncle Jeb, proving that love can conquer all in a dangerous new world.

The Seeker

Trained by the mystical Villichi in the Way of the Druid and the Path of the Preserver, Sorak the elfling sets out to find the mysterious and reclusive wizard known only as the Sage. Guided by a spell scroll and his own tormented inner voices, Sorak must cross a lethal, rock-strewn wasteland no one has ever survived and make his way to Nibenay, where he must seek out the secret Veiled Alliance. Together with Ryana, the beautiful Villichi priestess who has forsworn her vows in order to follow him upon his quest, and the lovely, pampered daughter of a sorcerer-king whom they have stolen from a noble’s caravan, Sorak braves the unknown dangers of the wild, Athasian desert… pursued by a cruel, relentless noble who will stop at nothing to regain the princess who was stolen from him.

Seeing Stars

SUMMARY: Ruth Rabinowitz believes. She believes that her daughter, Bethany, is a terrific little actress, so they have come to Hollywood, where dreams come true. Ruth’s husband and Bethany’s father, who thinks their quest for stardom is delusional, has been left behind in Seattle. Joining Bethany Rabinowitz in Hollywood’s often toxic waters are fellow child actors Quinn Reilly, who has been cast adrift by his family and excels only on Hollywood sets; beautiful Allison Addison, who is misled by her powerful need for love; and Laurel Buehl, who brings a desperate secret to LA that makes the stakes impossibly high. As talent managers, agents, coaches, directors, and teachers nurture–and feed on–their ambitions, stars will be made, hearts will be broken, children will grow up, and dreams will both be realized and die.

Seeing further: the story of science & the Royal Society

SUMMARY: Edited and introduced by Bill Bryson, and with contributions from Richard Dawkins, Margaret Atwood, David Attenborough, Martin Rees and Richard Fortey amongst others, this is a remarkable volume celebrating the 350th anniversary of the Royal Society.On a damp weeknight in November, 350 years ago, a dozen or so men gathered at Gresham College in London. A twenty-eight year old ‘ and not widely famous ‘ Christopher Wren was giving a lecture on astronomy. As his audience listened to him speak, they decided that it would be a good idea to create a Society to promote the accumulation of useful knowledge. With that, the Royal Society was born.Since its birth, the Royal Society has pioneered scientific exploration and discovery. Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein, Robert Hooke, Robert Boyle, Joseph Banks, Humphry Davy, Isambard Kingdom Brunel, John Locke, Alexander Fleming ‘ all were members. Bill Bryson’s favourite member was Reverend Thomas Bayes, a brilliant mathematician who devised Bayes’ theorem. Whilst it had little practical use in Bayes’ lifetime, today his theorem is used for weather forecasting, astrophysics and stock market analysis. A milestone in mathematical history, it only exists because the Royal Society decided to preserve it ‘ just in case.The Royal Society continues to do today what it set out to do all those years ago. Its members have split the atom, discovered the double helix, the electron, the computer and the World Wide Web. Truly international in its outlook, it has created modern science. ‘Seeing Further’ celebrates its momentous history and achievements, bringing together the very best of science writing. Filled with illustrations of treasures from the Society’s archives, this is a unique, ground-breaking volume that you’ll want to pick up again and again.